Forgiveness


“Here is a mental treatment guaranteed to cure every ill that flesh is heir to: sit for half an hour every night and mentally forgive everyone against whom you have any ill will or antipathy” Charles Fillmore

Not too sure how I got on the topic of “Forgiveness” today or WHY it had to be today.

I was just kind of drifting through the net checking out some of my favorite sites when I stumbled on this quote by Charles Fillmore. The thought occurred to me, how many nights would I have to sit for 30 mins. to forgive everyone that has sinned against me? And what would that 30 mins. entail? What if one person has done more ills than the other, would I have to spend more time on him? Also, what ill is it that I have that I must heal?

I thought about if I remembered the very first time that someone caused me harm or trauma. Actually, I’m remembering now:

My very first memory of hurt, pain, and negativity was when I was about 6 months old. I remember my twin sister reaching her tiny hands between the bars of our cribs and grabbing my finger and biting it. I remember the rush of danger and the energy of her quickening away from me, when a guardian would come to my cries. This continued for several times until she was graciously caught. It also started a long strain of dishonesty and mistrust between my sister and I.
I forgive her.

Wow..I’m starting to tear up. This might be just too raw for me to continue to go into depth with all the drama, evil saga’s, and pain. However, it seems unfair to have my sister the only one put on front street, or first “evildoer” in my long list.

Okay, I guess the next thing that I can remember is my Mother taking her stress out on me, because she was unhappy. I can remember being unjustly punished and severely shaken from myself. (I was changed somehow at that moment). At, that moment I felt that the world wasn’t kind because I was shown a scenic view from my mother in her anger. However, as a child I did what so many other children do, I understood my mother, through all the abuse I knew why she fought and clawed because it was the only thing that she could grab on to. Everything else was just too overpowering for her. I loved my mother through it all and I forgave always. But, just in case; Mommy, I forgive you.

I’m starting to understand that the purpose of this is to remember and recall; which seems so much harder than forgiving. Once you remember you are forced to confront it. Forced to stand up, Forced to wallow, Forced to shout out, and softly mourn.

I can’t say how long it may take me to recant and recount all the wrong doings and hurt that I have experienced in 35 years. But, I will admit that if it only takes 30 mins. a night for me to spend on healing myself, it’s the least I could do for myself and for those that I love.

Now, when I think about it, this could be a funny post:

I forgive the 3rd grade boy for pushing me off the swing.
I forgive that girl in sixth grade for making me feel so inadequate because she knew so much about boys and bodies than I did.
I forgive Ronald Reagan, because he was just an actor and he didn’t really understand that he “Really” had to be President.
I forgive Bill Clinton for being so stupid..just imagine what he could have done for America if he had actually used his brain and understood the complete presence of his opportunity.
I forgive the girl (I say loosely) for promoting infidelity and cheating by engaging in obscene and rude behavior with my “boyfriend” and SHE knew about me.
(skanky, skanky girl) I forgive you.
Well, I guess it’s more than obvious that it’s going to take me more than a couple of nights to get over this one; I even reduced myself to name calling. But, I guess if she happens to read this, she can “forgive me” lol.

Most importantly, I forgive myself for making some of the most ignorant choices in mates.
I forgive myself for embarrassing my family and forcing them to question my sanity and lineage.

Thanks for the lesson Charles Fillmore.

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About Mantra Lotus

I am who I am, simply.
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