A few days ago, my Mother said something to me that’s been bothering me more than the usual “Mother said..” stuff. We all know how our Mothers can affect us, right? Well this particular conversation has gotten to me.
She said..”You’ve lost your curves! You have a boyish figure and have taken a somewhat masculine build.” She said…”You look hard and kind of androgynous.” She went on further to say that.. “The exercises that you have been doing are all wrong for your body type Sweetie.” And..”You should now work on building your girly parts,” (Which means my breast and butt). Oh..and lastly my legs are horrible. (She’s laughing hysterically now.) “They’re excessively thin and totally unfeminine.”
“Okay?” This was hilarious to me at the time, actually I cracked up so hard that I did the snorting thing and had tears rolling down my cheeks. I’m not sure if I was laughing because everyone else was laughing, or because I thought her comments were bogus and totally exaggerated. Either way, I thought it was funny.
“Seriously?! Me?! Come on now..I’m Ultra Feminine. I’ve been “Girly Girly” all my life. Makeup, dresses, 3 inch high heels, lingerie (everyday). My family would tease me for just how “girly” I was. This is a joke right? I surveyed my Mother and eyed her faithful sidekick; my giggling sister, who graciously nodded and patted me on my ass (or lack of).
Later on, as the day progressed and I got alone with myself, my Mother’s comments started to settle in. I thought about everything that she said. I thought about my recent actions and changes over the past couple of years.
“Hmm… I guess I have changed.” I questioned myself on my appearance and clothing selections. Well, I haven’t bought a dress in a while. I don’t really wear them now. (I have no need). I’m in athletic gear practically everyday. Any spare money that I have I spend it on new sneaks or running pants. (I agreed that maybe, I should switch up a bit and give the workout clothes a break (At least when I’m with Mom).
I thought more about my appearance. Hmm..and..I did just change my hairstyle. It’s completely straight and pulled back, no curls or hair in my face, mostly tied in a ponytail..(yeah, it’s different but not boyish? right?) But, I haven’t taken anytime with it. Nothing new or fancy, just in a ponytail. Hmm..
I then stripped naked and did a whole body review. “Whoa”. Okay..No bells or whistles..but still a woman’s body. I have breast..not boobs. Thin waist, thighs..(I turn to the side) not too bad-looking from the side. Okay..no my butt doesn’t stick out. Umm..yeah, my hips aren’t as noticeable; I am kind of straight up and down. But, nothing a little tweaking won’t fix..right?!
I comforted myself by designing a new workout plan that would help reinforce my “curves” and assured myself that it would help. Alright..that’s the end to that. Problem solved. Right?
I started to think of years back, and how I was then. I compared the previous ME to the Me that I am now. I soon realized that I had transformed quite drastically. I am different from how I used to be. And, I understand why. But, I know I need a balance. I have become hard over the years. I have changed my persona because I haven’t wanted to appear weak. I’ve been abused, neglected, disrespected, and used. I told myself that I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. Before, I was always addressed by what I looked like. My appearance. Overtly, sexy (which I loved). But, I felt that other parts of me were taken for granted. My wisdom and intellect I felt had been left out of most equations in my life. Before, people always asked me for advice on sex and relationships (as if I knew..lol). Now, everyone asks me about how to lose weight, exercise and healthy food choices. (which is great) but, I honestly can’t remember when was the last time someone confided in me about sex. Hmm? When was the last time someone included me in a sex conversation. Damn..whats up?
I realize that I have cut some things out (about me) out of my life. Yes, some things had to go, but others need to be brought back. I have forgotten about aspects in my life that I enjoy. Things that I used to counsel friends on..I heard come from my mouth the other day. My excuses of why I’m not being feminine. “Well, I’m not having sex. I’m not dating anyone. I don’t have time for that, it’s not practical to dress like “that” all the time.”
Then my wonderful Mother responded by saying…”Who gives a damn! Your not supposed to look like your having sex! But, hell you don’t want to look like you never want to have it!”
Quietly I sat. WOW…this is stuff I know. I preach about this. Being all that you want out of life. Loving every aspect of you in order for someone else to do the same.
I had to ask myself..very honestly “What is it that you want out of life? Right now?”
My response: I want a healthy, loving, sexual, sweet, giving, and compassionate relationship.
Ok. Now, have you been healthy, loving, sexual, sweet, giving, and compassionate to yourself?
My Response: “No“.
Ok. So..Stop being a Hard Ass! Stop being Resentful! Stop being Mean! and STOP! PLEASE STOP! Looking like you’re gonna whoop someone’s ass if they try to speak to you! Capiche?
Resurrection is Hard…but staying Dead is Sinful.