I sit.. eyes still sleepy..lashes fluttering, but..Awake
Just awakening from about a 15 year gray haze…
Blurry shadowy figures, dim lights and distant screams
Cursed whispers lie in the corners o f my eyes
Sore hands wiped down my face
Blistered feet resting on hardwood floor
achy bottom sitting on the edge of the bed
I call upon the unconscious strength of yesteryear..(the ones that sat where I sit),
with knees buckling and shaking thighs
with tender back I stand.
I wiggle and sway,
…the heels of my feet whine and my toes protest…But, I stand
Stumbling through the darkness,
Knocking over cords and shoes
Like the first steps of a baby; clumsily falling toward the window
and I REACH
Reaching for the long thin string and…I PULL..
Raising the shades and bringing sight
Eyes wide open..
I let in the light.
The light that hid and let the flowers die
the light that only flickered in my dreams
the light that hid deep in the darkness..
When I let in the light…
I saw humming birds and butterflies
I saw waterfalls and daisies, lit oceans,
happy faces, and candy eyed children..
but best of all with 20/20 vision I saw myself, glistening , glowing, shining, and smiling.
I MADE IT!
I MADE IT!
I made it over mountains and hills
I made it over bruises and breaks
I made it over back-hand slaps and kicks..
over bloody sheets and name calling
over dark fallen locks of hair and scraped scalp..
over hidden secrets and hushed cries…
I MADE IT!
I made it through the “You can’t do this!, You won’t do that! and If you do I’ll kill you!”
I made it through “You ain’t nothing but a woman, You ain’t nothing but a girl, a bitch, a slut and a whore!”
I made it though the suicidal thoughts, the never’s and the have-nots and “God created you for one thing only, to please men..Look at ya, you ain’t good for nothing else. Who in the hell do you think you are? You’re a woman..that’s all.”
But..when the sunlight hit my eyes, for the first time I saw all the abuse,
I felt all the abandonment
I felt all the shame
I felt all the ugliness, the hopelessness and the fear, the sadness and sickness
I saw the reality of my “Lifetime” plays, my Humorous Skits, my War Movies..
I saw it all
When I let the sunshine in, I saw the ability in all of my aspirations
I saw the finish product in the resting in the palm of my hand
I saw completion
I saw ME! A Mother, A Woman, A True Advocate for myself, A Revolutionist for Change
I saw a Determined Woman who NEVER gave up.
When I let the sunshine in, I saw myself in all its splendor; blessed with all of God’s Glory..
Beautifully hued and perfect. Strong and Courageous!
No More..No More..No More!
No more Hurt, No more Pain
No more Abuse
No more Battered Woman
No more Fear
No more Running from myself
No more and never again will I be a “victim”
No more and never again will someone else take what’s mine!
No more and never again will I cry in the face of laughter
No more and never again will anyone hit me, touch me, hurt me, scare me, and get away with it
No more sleeping
No more suffering
No more dis-ease
No more make-up and mask
(hush)…It’s all over now. (hush) It’s all over now..
It’s all over now
The hiding..(it’s all over)
The closed mouth and tight lip..
The clogged ears and numbness..
The silence and the unnatural responses..(it’s all over, now)
Degradation, Spiritual rape, fake smiles, depression, feelings of inferiority, muffled screams..
(It’s all over)
No more doubts and delusions
No more false hopes and lies
All the tragedy..it’s gone.
I have learned and grown. I have experienced all of what I must. I am in control..
Head held High..Bright and illuminated..glowing and gleaming.
With fist clutched and firm stance..Upright and fearless..I SHOUT..NO MORE! NO MORE!
Facing my enemy and all evils..NO MORE! NO MORE! and NEVER AGAIN!
It’s ALL OVER.