Ra Ma Da Sa, “I Am Thou”

Image Credit: Stephanie Smith

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Last night, I went to bed with deep sadness. I had the feeling of losing yet I hadn’t lost anything nor anyone. Tears swept my sheets until I finally drifted off to sleep.

This morning, I arose happy and with no memory of the night before.  I was delighted to see the day; bright and optimistic like I am on most days. Yet, within an hour of my rising, my chest began to hurt (on my left side). Convinced that the pain was caused by too much caffeine, I decided that I would fast and flush my system with water and then all would be okay. However, as time passed the pain grew more intense and I was forced to stop all that I was doing and sit quietly to meditate on what was causing the pain.

Within my silence I heard the Mantra: Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung.

RA MA DA SA, SA SAY SO HUNG

Ra = sun energy
Ma = moon energy
Da = earth energy
Sa = infinity, universal energy
Sa (repeated)
Say = the personal embodiment of Sa
So = the personal sense of merger with Sa
Hung = the Infinite, vibrating and real

This mantra literally means: “I am Thou.” It is a healing Mantra.

I recited and breathed the meaning into my chest and instantly I remembered my night of sadness and gained clarity of why I was in pain. I was experiencing a heart-ache (literally). It all became clear.

For days, my energy levels have been all over the place.  I’ve been imbalanced and sort of fragmented; a bunch of Highs and Lows. But, even more interesting is that I’ve had an overwhelming amount of Sexual energy; which the fact that I am acknowledging it means that it has to be pretty powerful.  Those who know me are aware that I embrace all parts of my Spectacular-ness..and I am very unhidden about the private aspects of my life.  But, when I have a job to do, I am very serious about working and specifically if it’s work on  (ME) Sex is out of the question. Currently, I am consciously celibate and have been for a long, long, long (can I add another one?) Long time..lol. So, I’m somewhat used to combating my frisky phases. But, this was different and needed further self-examination.

In the past couple of weeks, I have been in a creative stage in my life and in a prosperity crunch. I’m working to get all that I am destined to do (at this point) accomplished. Finish my manuscript, Publish a book, and début my art at my first gallery showing next month.

Needless to say, this is a very stressful time for me. Anyone who has experienced the “Rush and Push of life” can sympathize with the anxiety, self-doubt, and exhaustion that comes along with it. It’s a strong frustration, kind of like unreleased Sexual Energy..(light-bulb moment). My strong sexual desire is me wanting to see and feel the results of my work. I desperately long to be comforted and strengthened to push harder and further (no pun intended..lol. well maybe a little).

Unexpectedly, my frustration turned into sadness. Sadness for feeling as if I hadn’t been soothed or relaxed. I haven’t been given the satisfaction that “Everything is going to be alright”. I felt empty and uncertain. I felt lonely and unloved. Heartbroken.

The pain in my chest; at my heart, was a physical result of me internalizing my feelings of ambivalence and the need to be accepted.

In stillness I found my true self. Once, I prayed and chanted..I knew.

RA MA DA SA, SA SAY SO HUNG.

“I am thou.” I am unique and the only one of (Me). I am beautiful and perfect. There is a place for me in the universe and it is wherever I sit. I AM Destined! I need not worry. I need not crave attention and answers for what I already know. I am wanted and accepted. I am touched by all the love that I have given to the Universe because It comes back to me. I am never alone because God is in me. I need not suffer nor cause my suffering because I am a healer of pain not the creator of pain.

RA MA DA SA, SA SAY SO HUNG

“I am Thou”. My pain suddenly vanished and my undies don’t feel so tight…lol. Now, let’s get back to work!

 

 

 

 

 

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The Mountaintop

Image Credit: Tripadvisor

themountaintopLife doesn’t have to be grimy.

Life doesn’t have to be tumultuous and hard. Yes, it is filled with sometimes psychotic adventures and rough terrains. Sometimes there are rocky roads and troublesome mountains to climb. But, who said (you) had to ever come down from the Mountain?

Who told (YOU) that you had to continue Machete cutting through weeds? Especially, when there’s a smooth, paved out path to the right of you.

Sometimes, we hold on to pain just to have a story to tell (or write). We testify and boast of heroic tales that never seem to end. But, (let’s get real; if only for a moment) pain was never meant to last. It’s only for us to pay attention to what ails us. Pain is the important message carrier and the signal in our lives, that it’s “TIME”. It puts us into motion. When we are in pain..we do something about it.  But, when it’s over..don’t bring it back. When your healed..Don’t pick the skin to reopen old wounds.

Once your done..be done. Be out, and stay out. Be up and stay up!  The only one that controls chaos in our lives is (US).

  See you at the Mountaintop :-)

 

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~Mantra’s Story~ Making My Way Clear

Her-Story Badge

I Survived (Domestic Abuse!) Her-Story Challenged!

 

 

I sit.. eyes still sleepy..lashes fluttering, but..Awake

Just awakening from about a 15 year gray haze…
Blurry shadowy figures, dim lights and distant screams
Cursed whispers lie in the corners o f my eyes
Sore hands wiped down my face
Blistered feet resting on hardwood floor
achy bottom sitting on the edge of the bed

I call upon the unconscious strength of yesteryear..(the ones that sat where I sit),
with knees buckling and shaking thighs
with tender back I stand.

I wiggle and sway,
…the heels of my feet whine and my toes protest…But, I stand

Stumbling through the darkness,
Knocking over cords and shoes
Like the first steps of a baby; clumsily falling toward the window

and I REACH

Reaching for the long thin string and…I PULL..
Raising the shades and bringing sight

AWAKE
Eyes wide open..

I let in the light.
The light that hid and let the flowers die
the light that only flickered in my dreams
the light that hid deep in the darkness..

When I let in the light…

I saw humming birds and butterflies
I saw waterfalls and daisies, lit oceans,
happy faces, and candy eyed children..

but best of all with 20/20 vision I saw myself, glistening , glowing, shining, and smiling.

I MADE IT!
I MADE IT!

I made it over mountains and hills

I made it over bruises and breaks
I made it over back-hand slaps and kicks..
over bloody sheets and name calling
over dark fallen locks of hair and scraped scalp..

over hidden secrets and hushed cries…

I MADE IT!

I made it through the “You can’t do this!, You won’t do that! and If you do I’ll kill you!”
I made it through “You ain’t nothing but a woman, You ain’t nothing but a girl, a bitch, a slut and a whore!”

I made it though the suicidal thoughts, the never’s and the have-nots and “God created you for one thing only, to please men..Look at ya, you ain’t good for nothing else. Who in the hell do you think you are? You’re a woman..that’s all.”

But..when the sunlight hit my eyes, for the first time I saw all the abuse,
I felt all the abandonment
I felt all the shame
I felt all the ugliness, the hopelessness and the fear, the sadness and sickness

I saw the reality of my “Lifetime” plays, my Humorous Skits, my War Movies..
I saw it all

When I let the sunshine in, I saw the ability in all of my aspirations
I saw the finish product in the resting in the palm of my hand
I saw completion

I saw ME! A Mother, A Woman, A True Advocate for myself, A Revolutionist for Change
I saw a Determined Woman who NEVER gave up.

When I let the sunshine in, I saw myself in all its splendor; blessed with all of God’s Glory..
Beautifully hued and perfect. Strong and Courageous!

No More..No More..No More!

No more Hurt, No more Pain
No more Abuse
No more Battered Woman
No more Fear
No more Running from myself

No more and never again will I be a “victim”
No more and never again will someone else take what’s mine!
No more and never again will I cry in the face of laughter
No more and never again will anyone hit me, touch me, hurt me, scare me, and get away with it

No more sleeping
No more suffering
No more dis-ease
No more make-up and mask

(hush)…It’s all over now. (hush) It’s all over now..
It’s all over now

The hiding..(it’s all over)
The closed mouth and tight lip..
The clogged ears and numbness..
The silence and the unnatural responses..(it’s all over, now)

Degradation, Spiritual rape, fake smiles, depression, feelings of inferiority, muffled screams..
(It’s all over)

No more doubts and delusions
No more false hopes and lies

All the tragedy..it’s gone.

I have learned and grown. I have experienced all of what I must. I am in control..

Head held High..Bright and illuminated..glowing and gleaming.
With fist clutched and firm stance..Upright and fearless..I SHOUT..NO MORE! NO MORE!
Facing my enemy and all evils..NO MORE! NO MORE! and NEVER AGAIN!

It’s ALL OVER.

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Hurt

Image Credit: We Hear It.

Deep desperation and longing..

broken glasses and shattered windows..

My heart aches.. but I can’t fix it.. I don’t know how..

..a pain unlike anything I have ever felt. What heals this? What makes this better? I know time.. but I ain’t got time.. now. What heals this NOW?

Can I drink it out.. Can I drug it out.. Can I fuck it out?..Can I pray it out? (tomorrow)

I hurt. I hurt and I don’t know how to fix it.

Empty tears and silent cries..deaf and dumb..

He wraps me with invisible arms.. He kisses me with placid lips.. He rubs my back.. and I don’t care.

He cooks for me.. I throw it out. He hands me money.. I rip it.

He whispers.. “I love you”.. I respond..by saying “You shouldn’t.  Actually, your taking up my space. Why don’t you leave? I don’t need you here.” I proudly proclaim.

Your just angry.. it’s okay.. let it out. (He smiles)

“Fuck you!”  I snarl.

Frustrated.. he  grabs me and holds me firmly by my wrist.  With the other hand,  I slap and spit on him.. and beckon him for more. “Your such a weak pig. You disgrace me!” I shout; while shooing him away.

Now…all alone to drown in my own shit. Damn.. what do I do now..

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Continuum

Them Crooked Vultures

Convicted and addicted to not being alone…

I carelessly, thoughtlessly, choose my temporary vice..A night, a day, a couple of nights, a couple of days.. to call back in a year, to call back tomorrow…
to talk to, to flirt with, to dehumanize, to belittle, to release on…
to dis-respect, to be dis-respected
to abuse, to be abused

Boredom and uncertainty
Hopelessness and Comfort

Itching.. I scratch holes in my skin..
twisting and restless..I pick through my flesh
Anxiously, I scrape; (to get the bad out)
but the drips they suckle

Instead, of watching them go hungry..I feed them
Lest, they thirst..how will I survive.

Aching.. I hunt and sometimes tie myself to any tree; to be hunted.

A destructive yet satisfactory continuum.

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When it hurts so bad

I can ‘t help but relate this to the words in a song by Lauryn Hill “When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good.”

 

Ma..an. This hurts. It really hurts. It’s like a sunken lost piece of my rib, that has wandered through my body searching for it’s “fit”. It feels sore. Achy. It feels ill. It feels misplaced, pointy, a constant pinching in my side.

I cough; but it won’t come up. I sneeze; but it won’t come out.

I cry but it won’t stop hurting. I scream but it doesn’t scare. I yell but it won’t flee.

I try to run it out, but my legs won’t last it.

“This is some powerful sh..” The only thing left to do, is to, let “it” be “it”. Pain is Pain. It hurts because it’s supposed too. Lack is Lack, Loss is Loss and Winning is knowing when YOU WIN;

and this time “I WON”.

He was a miserable bastard and I didn’t want him anyway.. So, I really did win. I just didn’t know it at the time.

In the mist of the tears, the screaming, the shouting, the hurt and pain; I couldn’t see that “I WON”.

 

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